One Of Those Times

I had a discussion with a friend online earlier. It was regarding my current anger and also somehow related to my bad experiences of the past while growing up. I know I know that most everybody would claim that everybody had their share of shit that they went through and go through.

For some reason she brought up the... attitude of 'self fulfilling prophecy'. An example of how to describe it would be a person who keeps thinking negative thoughts on himself and also expecting the worse things to happen to him will somehow or rather enable those events to happen as if that person will those things to happen. Oh how I wish I had such supernatural powers. I did not tell her that I disagreed with such a thing. Furthermore I do not think that my current behavior is of that anyway. The reason being that some situations are without our control, whereby the unwanted circumstances are caused by other people. Perhaps the reason why she thought of such a thing during our conversation was because maybe, just maybe she thought that I was doing that. As stated I do not think I have such powers to inflict upon myself. I would believe that I am able to read people so much so that I am able to predict their most likely form of actions. Sounds like I am full of myself right?

I wonder, if I dropped a pen onto the floor and before I did it, I said something like "This pen will drop onto the floor!" Would that be called prophecy? Or if someone was convicted for murder and I said "That person is going to prison!" Would that be prophecy?

Here I am awake at 4am refusing to sleep because of my unquenched anger. It is not the type of anger where I would go breaking stuff or shouting. It is the type where it eats at the heart, darkening the mind, suffocating the soul. Once more I am frustrated at how people are able to get away with it and the victims continue suffering and there is nothing that can make things right. I feel so powerless like a person who has just been robbed, like a person who has been deceived out of his valued belongings. Knowing the fact that what was lost will never returned again. Knowing the fact that there is nothing that can be done about it. Knowing the fact that nobody really cares. Knowing the fact that life still continues.

The Audacity

Words just cannot describe the anger I am experiencing today. How can they keep doing what they do; playing with people's feelings using it to their advantage until they just decide to rip your heart out and finish with "I hope we can still be friends".

Not only did I have to force the straight answer out of her, it was an annoying process only to hear the words which I did not want to in the first place. However, if I did not do it, I would have been continuously led on with a false sense of hope.

I am angry yes. What make things worse is that is my will not to seek retribution or retaliation in any form. I am totally alone in this matter. I refuse to believe that even God will do anything about it. It is not that He is incapable. He chooses to not do anything. I am angry because I am restrained by my own will. I am angry with the opposite gender, with these horrible beings, with the world that inhibit them.

Welcome To The Real World

is what was said to me by the clients towards the end of an unnecessary long and waste of time of meeting I had earlier this evening.

This job started its production on Tuesday, supposedly ending by 27th April (Friday).
Now they say they want it done by this coming Monday. All of it. All 5 of it.
I feel like beating someone up with a stick.

Not to sound sexist but, the staff of clients, which were quite a number of them were all female. They did not seem like they knew what they want. They sure as hell did not seem like they knew the objectives of their own work and yet still could act like they were in control. There goes my weekend. All I know is, I will not entertain their last minute changes or the usual "I think I've changed my mind on the design, make another."

Why are these people who are not really in the creative industry, taking other people's work to submit in a competition as their own? Surely it has to be somewhat unethical or against some contract or copyright issues with the original creators and owners of the media being submitted.

I had to wait until I got home before releasing all my angers and frustrations. I felt like making dents in cars parked outside the office building by initiating flying kicks on them.

6 Projects 8 Days 1 Man

So last Tuesday my mom decided to take a freelance job. The clients want 6 set of work done and the deadline is 10 days from that day. My mom decided to give me all the work even the full pay for it. It was nice of her and all but throwing me into a deep end like that with that kind of time frame? I cannot help but think she is trying to keep her hands clean of this mess. You see... it is a long and complicated story, pretty similar to my previous freelancing horrible experience. Where they do things last minute, have no idea what they want, expect minimum man power to work miracles.

The reason why I have to be vague about details is to keep a sense of professionalism when undertaking jobs as clients' confidentiality despite me not actually being in the main picture of the entire scenario.

Performance

Nothing like the weekend playing in the band with friends and rekindling the passion for performing. Oh this weekend I was back up singing instead of the usual playing of drums. I kind of enjoyed it as I was able to express myself through my voice rather than through my hands. I wish I could do both playing drums and sing at the same time, but we do not have the proper microphone for such a feat yet.

Nyeeerm *CRASH*

So I had so much confidence in gaining at least an interview with IBM's Team Blue this year. As stated I sent my application last night. My good friend and brother-like Shawn managed to get me a direct contact to the person who would short list the candidates to be interviewed. To my amazement she replied today. That was like less than 24 hours. Unfortunately I did not get a position in the team. This was her reason "We have todate shortlisted and interviewed all candidates for the TeamBlue program, and unfortunately our concentration/preference is for those with professional qualification in Comp Sc & Finance/Economics & Banking studies." That is cool with me. I actually am alright with this reasons being that she actually responded in good time as well as indicating their reasons for rejecting my application. I wish other local companies could do the same.

Midmorning Meditations

The stuff I think about at 4am in the mornings...

So I was just reflecting on human behavior. Ever encountered people who refuse to listen to other people's reasons? They will always respond similar to "you can say whatever you want to say, but I will not acknowledge it. Whatever I say is right to me and that is what counts". Usually people who want to sound cool will just say "whatever". I guess it pretty much goes both ways as well. Where the person trying to reason might not provide compelling and significant points in a way that would make the other person realize. However, some people do realize things and yet refuse to acknowledge it. I think it is probably due to pride. Why do people have so much pride in trivial things? People should only be proud of things which are certain and acknowledged by many others. If a person makes a mistake, he should just acknowledged that he did make a mistake and move on, trying not to repeat the mistake.

Personally, I have always been sort of a low self esteem kind of guy, so I never really had much pride. That actually helped me see things that ordinary circumstances would have prevented. I am able to look through other people's perspective. I believe that once a person actually tries to understand the other, there will be less disputes and more issues resolved.
A good example is when at times I question why person X is unable to do a certain task, where I find so simple and requires little effort whereas that person X is struggling and unable to grasp the concept. Person X is not like me. He does not think like me. If I tried to understand person X and where he is coming from and his situation perhaps I could think of methods which would help him in performing the task.

Past experiences have taught me that, it does not matter what kind of excuses a person gives, it does not matter who is wrong or right, it does not matter who is better than the other. At the end of things, at the bottom line, the situation is still the way it is. Doing nothing else but pinpointing the source of errors and dwelling on it will do nothing for the future it will not help rectify the situation in anyway. What is more important or rather, significant is what can be done to solve the situation with the current resources. Nothing in life is perfect, hence we help each other by combining our strengths overcoming our weaknesses.

The reason why we are not created perfect, is so that we can rely on each other thus value and appreciate each other. True that most of you would already know this, but are you taking this knowledge for granted? When was the last time you thought about your friends, your parents and the good things they have done for you, purely because they cared about you? When was the last time you did something good for your friends, strangers even purely because you wanted to help them and expect nothing in return? When was the last time any of you appreciated your friends for accepting you for who you are despite your flaws? I'm talking about those friends that actually will go out of their way to help you when you face serious problems. Not those who are only around to have fun when times are good.

Ini Banyak Meh...

So I have been spending the entire day writing a cover letter as well as improving my resume whilst sending to a few friends in hopes they would have ideas and suggestion on making it look impressive. I am applying for IBM and for the first time in applying for so many jobs, it is the one I feel like I really want to get. The others are just half hearted applications to appease my parents and stop them from nagging me. Hopefully if I do get a successful interview and actually become an employee of the company, everything will be manageable.

Gambatte Me!

The Simpler Things In Life

The day started with a heavy rain in the morning. It was the most wonderful thing that happened today. Usually Sundays always start out blistering hot throughout the afternoon and only tease with a low probability of rain afterwards.

As much as I was reluctant to get up in the morning to go church, I had to because I am dedicated when it comes to responsibilities. Yes for those of you who do not already know, I am a musician in my church. I play either the drums or guitar. Most people are quite surprised to discover that we have drums in church. I guess the media has fed the general public a misconception of how churches are supposed to run. We are quite modern and we do not need to hold our services in some ancient style cathedral and sing old boring songs. I assure you we are quite contemporary.

After that I went to have lunch with Bee Lee. We walked around The Curve for a while because he wanted to go look at manga at Borders followed by those japanese merchandise shops which sell anime, manga and figurines. I simply went along with him because I was in no rush to go home. We walked around the area for quite a while until we gave up on deciding where to eat. Everything was just too pricey for just needing to satisfy our hunger. We left the area and headed somewhere in TTDI where we had normal chinese food. I had chicken & char siew(roast barbecued pork) rice and iced coffee. Who would have thought something simple and cheap like that would be so fulfilling and never failed to taste good.

Speaking of simplicity being good. I saw this girl who was dressed quite simple but yet it looked attractive. She was not pretty(I know I am mean) but her sense of style was great which helped overall made her attractive anyway. I like people who have good sense of style, knowing how to dress in a way that makes them look good but it does not need to be over the top kind of thing. Then again, I am the type of guy who prefers simple stuff.